It has taken me almost a year to realize and admit this to myself and to others...but I am satisfied in my life. I am fulfilled and happy, REALLY happy having the sole job of caring for my child, husband and home. I feel no shame about this and I am not sure why it took me so long to say it outloud. Let the feminists come knocking at my door, I will answer it barefoot, with my child on my hip, dressed in an apron, with cookies in the oven. I will invite them in to see my happy home and happy family.
My entire life, I have known that if I had children, I would stay at home with them. To me there was no other choice. I also knew that I was driven and THOROUGHLY enjoyed having a career. So, I struggled with the idea of even having children. Yet, I always looked for that quality of a provider and a man that believed the same value of having a mom at home when I dated and had relationships. JB is no exception. He also believes this is the way to do things. We had to have a serious talk when we became engaged about the subject because I knew he wanted to be a father and have multiple children (one of the things that drew me to him, also made me worry). I would tell him I really wasn't 100% sure about giving up my career to raise kids. He would just smile and say "you'll want them" and he was right. After almost 5 years of marriage we were both ready and have now been blessed with John Wyatt and hoped to be blessed with more children in the future.
My family, friends and even work always knew about my intentions when I had kids, so it was an automatic when I announced my pregnancy everyone knew I would quit my job. In fact, I don't think I said "I will be quitting when the baby is born" to work, I just told them "I'm pregnant!" and they knew what it meant. There were days though that I struggled with this change in my life. I felt smart at work. I was good at my job. I made a good living. I was a career woman. I began working for a tax firm when I was 16 and then went on to become an accountant. I had been working for almost half my life in the accounting field. What would it feel like to not get up every morning, put on business clothes and head to an office to sit behind a computer?
When someone would ask me "do you think you'll like being at home?" I didn't know how to answer. I knew it was where I was supposed to be, so I have never really considered if I would "like" it or not. It was like them asking "do you think you'll like being a mom?". But when I would then think about it, I had no clue if I would like it or not.
Sure, there are up and down days, just like when I worked outside the home. Do I miss big people interaction? Well of course. Do we miss the extra income? More money was never a bad thing! Could I imagine myself leaving Wyatt in someone else's care while I went to an office everyday? No, it is inconceivable.
I have had jobs I loved and jobs I just liked. I have had jobs that made me feel super smart and ones that drained me entirely. But never in my life have I felt so fulfilled in a job as my current one. A job to me was in the end, just a job. It was a means to an end...the end being living comfortably and saving so I could live comfortably in the future. It was a way to provide for my family. How amazing is it that the job I now have allows me to completely and totally concentrate on really caring for them?
I do not need to bring home a paycheck to feel like I am contributing to my household - the time I put into keeping my house running smoothly, my husband cared for and my child happy is invaluable. I do not need to deal with the complex tax code on a daily basis to feel smart or improve efficiencies in procedures to feel resourceful - I have found ways in one day to clean an entire house, do 5 loads of laundry, run errands around town, and cook a healthy dinner all while entertaining, teaching and nurturing a child on my hip. I do not need to wear a suit or even fix my hair and makeup everyday to feel like I make a good impression - there is no dress code for sitting on the floor reading books or playing ball in the backyard. I do not need a boss giving me raises or good reviews to let me know I am important - my husband and child give me hugs and kisses everyday and let me know I am a big part of their happiness, that is validation enough.
Never in my wildest dreams would I ever thought I would feel like this about my job.